


Attractive Today

by DeanHanel



Category: Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun | My Little Monster
Genre: Canon Compliant, Explicit Language, F/M, Original Character(s), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5123822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanHanel/pseuds/DeanHanel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone receives their own share of peace and chaos in the end. Only Yamaguchi Kenji is left without a proper place to go, so he spends his days chasing after the future, waiting for the day he'll find something of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Most people would tell you that it's hard to move on once you've been rejected. Perhaps my ease came from the fact that I was rejected twice. Or maybe because my affection was completely irrational, given how irritating that girl can be. Either way, when she finally chose that idiot man-child over me outright, I was able to go on completely unhindered by the kind of depression most people my age would deal with. Maybe it was even that I had matured a bit since meeting her. God knows everyone else around her did, even the moron of a best friend dating her.

But now her influence is gone from my life. Aside from attending the wedding a few months ago, I haven't seen Mizutani, or even Yoshida in months. I suppose that's to be expected, though. Mizutani is always busy doing some kind of studying or another, and Haru keeps disappearing for months on end, running off to do god knows what on mere whims. How he's avoided her wrath is beyond me, and quite frankly, none of my business. All I need to do is just focus on succeeding my father at the hospital. Even here, though, I can't escape that family of idiots. Yoshida's lecher of a father has been in and out of our system since before I graduated. And if that wasn't bad enough, the eldest son keeps visiting him as well. Between the two of them, I'm constantly tied to the strange group I got to know so well back then. I can't really complain that much, though; they always gave me quite a bit of entertainment, being the idiots they all are, save for Mizutani.

As for me? Well, at the moment, I'm taking an internship at my father's own hospital. Of course, I'm already extremely well informed about the technical goings-on in hospital environments; this is merely a formality for the sake of my schooling. Soon enough, I'll have completed my tertiary education and be fully employed, where I can finally start my own life away from all the madness surrounding me these past years. All I want is to just take a step away and be rid of this troublesome life once and for all. Despite my ease in moving past my own feelings, the chaos surrounding my friends and I has become irritating as of late, and all I want is to start over.

Staring at the info on the clipboard in my hand, I prepare to see the next patient in line as the doctor above me, Oshiro-sensei, finishes up with the previous. I open the door to the examination room without looking up.

"Kimura Ayane?" I ask, still absorbing the information on the paperwork.

"Yes, that's me," the young woman cheerfully answers.

"Okay, the doctor will be here shortly. In the meantime, I'm going to ask you a few questions, those will hopefully give a better picture of your overall health. Do you smoke at all?"

"No."

"Do you have any serious allergies, other than what you listed on the paperwork?"

"No."

"Are there any medical conditions that run in your family?"

"None."

Before I can finish my next question, my body is racked with a violent sneeze. I silently curse the cold that's been hounding me for weeks as the girl speaks up.

"Are you entirely sure you're fit to be questioning me about my health?" she asks with what sounds like amusement in her voice.

I look up from the clipboard with the intention of showing her my most unamused, serious expression possible. My treacherous mind doesn't allow this, freezing up the moment I see her for the first time.

Sitting on the table is quite possibly the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. The first thing I see is her hair; messy and wild, the majority pulled into a large ponytail, the remaining fringe falling in curly waves across her forehead and cheeks. My eyes are then pulled down into hers, and I'm instantly lost in the deep brown circles. Her face is like that of a statue of a goddess, chiseled out of beautiful marble and filled with grace. I stand there blinking for a few moments, only snapping out of my trance when Doctor Oshiro opens the door next to me.

"Yamaguchi-kun, have you finished with the pre-examination procedures, yet?" he demands.

"Ah, not yet," I scramble to answer. "I just have a few questions left."

I look back down to the clipboard and resume my previous task, refusing to look up at the beautiful girl I'm sure just noticed me ogling her. Once I finish, I quickly leave the room and find something to do far away from that wing, lest I run into the girl again. I don't have time to spend obsessing over some girl, much less one of the hospital's patients.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my first fanfiction for the Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun fandom, and it certainly feels strange to have Yamaken as my main character here. To be completely honest, I don't really know where I want to take this, but it seemed like it would be an entertaining ride, so here we are. Please enjoy my strange take on Yamaken's life after the series!


	2. Chapter 2

I recognize this sign. Why do I recognize this sign? Where the hell does this sign fit into where I am? Which way did I go the first time I saw this sign? Why must I have such god forsaken navigation skills? The questions never end. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, breaking my concentration on this stupid shop sign.

_"Where are you? You're late." -Iyo_

As much as I would love to just ignore my sister and focus on figuring out where I am, I decide that maybe incurring her wrath on this particular day is a bad idea. Her usual irritating nature has turned into one of downright inconvenience as of late, especially so when she's upset. I have no idea what happened, but whatever it was has made dealing with her a hell of a lot more difficult than it used to be.

" _Somewhere in town. I'll be there in a bit." –Kenji_

I resume my staring at the vaguely familiar sign, only to be interrupted by another text.

" _You're lost aren't you?" –Iyo_

_"No" –Kenji_

Choosing to ignore the follow cluster of texts in favor of finding my way home, I look up to the sign again. After a few moments, a familiar face moves in front of mine, startling me. It takes me only a moment to recognize girl as the one from the hospital… Kimura?

"You're staring at that sign the same way you did me. Either you just like staring at things, or it's important somehow," she teases.

"I recognize the sign, but I don't remember when I saw it," I clarify, refusing to admit to this girl that I'm lost. "Although you seem to be awarding yourself some unearned importance, there."

"Well, you stared at me for a good ten seconds without saying anything, at the hospital. That would make most girls feel pretty self-important, wouldn't it?"

"You just caught me off guard, that's all."

"Right, just like the sign. So, what does a doctor in training need to wander around the town for an hour for?"

The questions just never end with this one. She almost reminds me of Mizutani's friend, the irritating one that kept pestering me about her. Except Kimura seems like she's genuinely intelligent, even if she's just as irritating.

"And how do you know how long I've been here for? Are you stalking me?"

"A smart looking guy wandering by the same coffee shop four times is just a tad interesting, don't you think? I figured I would see what you're up to."

"I'm just trying to kill some time before I have to be somewhere. I should actually get going now," I say, attempting to slip away from this uncomfortable conversation as quickly as possible. It's as if the girl is invading my mind itself.

"Well, where are you headed?"

"For now, just to Shin-Moriyama station."

"Really? Which direction are you riding?"

"Towards Kachigawa."

I beg the gods for her to say something other than what I know is coming.

"Oh, so am I. Mind if I walk with you?"

The gods are worthless to me.

"Just how would I stop you if I did?"

Kimura responds with a genuine smile that makes my heart stop for a moment. Irritating or not, I can't deny how beautiful this girl is (in my head, that is; you'd never catch me saying something like that out loud).

She's quiet for the walk to the station, and I'm surprised to find that although she's clearly leading me to it, I'm unconsciously keeping a few steps behind her. This girl has me accepting her help without even offering it. She's a damned genius.

We sit on the train in silence for the first few minutes, before she breaks the silence again.

"So, you already know my given name, and I don't know yours. That's not very fair, is it?"

I turn to look at the girl, who's staring contentedly out of the window across from us. Asking such ridiculous question as if it's nothing, just who the hell is this girl?

"It's Kenji. Most people just call me Yamaken, though."

"Hm, I think I prefer Kenji."

"Oi, don't just use people's given name without their permission."

"You told me, didn't you? Isn't that permission enough?" she quips, sneaking a sly look out of the corner of her eye.

As I get off at Kachigawa, I hear her call out to me, "I'll see you around, Kenji!" I don't turn around until I'm on the platform, and I see her waving at me from the train. Without even thinking to, I catch myself waving back. As the train pulls away, I can't help but wonder what kind of a mess I've gotten myself into with this girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another appearance from Ayane brings out Yamaken's awkward side! You really didn't think he was so cool and collected all the time, did you? Anyways, thanks for reading once again! New chapters should be posted weekly, around 5-6 PM (EST), assuming I don't drop this and let it die in my fanfic graveyard(I'll do my best not to!). (11/1/15)


	3. Chapter 3

I have made a very bad choice. I count at least eight hysterical fangirls crowded around me, while Mabo laughs his ass off a few feet away. Apparently I look like some obscure anime character, which would be a strange thing to learn under normal circumstances. The situation is still strange, but my alleged likeness to this "Yukishige" makes slightly more sense when you take into consideration the fanwork convention happening around us.

Mabo, for whatever idiotic reason decided it would be a good place to pick up girls, and I, through a remarkable lack of forethought, ended up dragging me here with him. I'll have to remember to get back at him somehow, later.

My mistake in joining Mabo is highlighted once again, when I see a familiar face bobbing through the crowd some ways away. I turn away to grab Mabo and get out of here as quickly as possible, but I almost see Kimura turn my way as I do so. The cluster of fangirls- which has grown since my last count- is impeding my progress, and by the time I get to Mabo, he taps me on the shoulder asking about someone I can't see. Dreading the sight that awaits me, I turn to find Kimura making her way to us, wearing a look of recognition different from that of the fangirls (a somewhat relieving difference, I have to admit). As she struggles to break through the growing wall of shrieking girls, I manage to regain my composure before reaching over to part the wall and pull Kimura close, saving her from the inevitable trampling.

"Are you alright?" I ask, trying (and failing) to show only the smallest bit of concern.

"Oh, yeah," she answers, only just realizing what's happened. "Thanks."

"You know this one?" Mabo questions, reminding me of his presence.

"Uh, yeah. We've met a few times," I answer.

"Ah, well then maybe I've got a shot then. No girl that knows Yamaken would choose him over another good looking guy like me."

"Sorry, delinquents aren't really my kind of guy," Kimura taunts him. "I prefer the blonde, bishonen types."

Mabo delivers a swift punch to my arm before throwing his hands in the air and marching off.

"I'm out of here, then. I'll go find a panel or something where Yamaken can't destroy my chances," he announces as he leaves.

"So, what brings you here?" Kimura asks, snapping me out of the daze caused by her earlier comments. "I didn't peg you an otaku."

"I wouldn't go to something like this, usually. I was wandering around nearby when I ran into that idiot. He wanted me to come hang out with him, and help him pick up girls. I didn't know he planned to raid a convention," I answer.

"And the crowd?" she asks, gesturing towards the steady crowd of people surrounding us.

"Apparently I look like some anime character. Yukishige, they called me?"

Kimura snickers, cover her mouth.

"What's so funny?" I question.

"Now that you mention it, you do look like him. He's from a BL manga though, which is another thing I'm having trouble picturing."

I'm caught somewhere between annoyed and relieved, although I'm not sure where the latter is coming from.

"So what about you? A girl like you at an event like this is pretty uncommon."

"Well, looks like you found my big secret. I'm actually a pretty big fan of all this stuff. I've been going to this particular convention since my first year of high school."

"So stuff like this is pretty standard for you, then?"

"It doesn't usually get this bad, unless a  _seiyuu_  shows up. There's not many big events this year, so your accidental cosplay is probably the most exciting thing happening at the moment. So did your friend seriously come here just to hit on girls?"

"He's an idiot, if you haven't noticed. He throws around money all the time to impress people."

"We might want to go find him, then. If he's not careful, he'll either get kicked out of the con or scammed into buying merch for some girl."

Kimura grabs my arm and drags me through the deforming circle of fans around us, leading me in a search for the moron that brought me here. By the time we find him, Mabo being "escorted" from the building by two large men, yelling something or other about the price of his admission ticket, as if he doesn't have enough cash on him to pay for half the attendants here.

"Hey, before you go, give me your email address," Kimura demands.

Despite her current lack manners, I decide that Kimura isn't quite as irritating as I had thought. In fact, something about her is strangely calming. I give in and swap emails with her, and I receive one before I even leave the building.

_"Thanks for the fun, today! I'll see you around, Kenji! (*´ω｀*)_ _" - Ayane_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for the record, Yamaken was indeed lost when he ran into Mabo. Also, Yukishige isn't an actual character, to my knowledge. I just used a random masculine name from a generator.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Leave a comment, or subscribe to the story or my profile for more!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely didn't forget to post this here. Nope, not a chance.

I should have expected this, honestly. Despite that fact, I couldn't help but be surprised by her name written neatly on the form. I open the door to the examination room and find her sitting patiently on the table already.

"Ah, Kenji! I didn't know you were here today," Kimura says cheerfully.

"Hello, Kimura-san. I'm just here to ask a few questions again," I reply.

"'Kimura-san'? You don't have to be quite so formal, Kenji. At least use the '-chan' honorific, if you're going to use my family name."

"I wouldn't mind doing that outside of here, but I have to maintain a professional relationship with patients here at the hospital," I say, praying she won't press the issue.

Aside from an occasional email from her, I haven't talked with Kimura since the convention. Even though we might be considered friends, I don't have time to be chasing her down to waste time.

"That makes sense, I guess. But I would still like you to call me Ayane normally."

Ignoring her last comment, I proceed with my routine, asking her all the required questions, despite knowing most of the answers. I finish just as Oshiro-sensei enters the examination room. I take my leave and move on to the next task.

When I get off half an hour later, I'm surprised again, this time having found Kimura waiting nearby the entrance.

"I hope you weren't waiting on me, Kimura-chan," I call out, catching her attention.

"Ah, Kenji! I was actually, I hope you don't mind," she answers.

"Of course not, but you're lucky I came out of this entrance. You could have just as easily been waiting for me all afternoon. Why were you waiting on me, anyways?"

"Ah, well my roommate has someone over right now, so I'm trying to avoid going home for a bit," she answers with a nervous smile. "I was hoping I could spend some time with you instead. Is that alright?"

I check the time on my phone quickly, before giving an answer.

"I have to get home pretty quickly today, but you're welcome to come with me if you want. It'll give me an excuse to cook something tonight, anyways."

An hour later, I unlock the door to my apartment with Kimura in tow. I hear her say "pardon the intrusion" as I hang up my bag, and dig the guest slippers from the closet.

I peer into my small fridge to see what I can actually make for Kimura. Deciding on a simple miso soup and some grilled fish, I gather the ingredients and get out the rice cooker.

"I apologize for the meal, it's going to be a bit light. I don't usually cook for myself, so I don't keep much food here," I warn.

"That's okay, I don't usually eat big portions anyways."

Silence comes as I prepare the food, and before long it's ready. I set the dishes down on the table, and take a seat myself. "Thank you for the meal" is said in unison, and the silence resumes. Kimura doesn't let it last very long, however.

"So do you not like to cook for yourself? You mentioned that me coming would give you a reason to," she asks.

"Cooking a full meal for one person is too much effort for what it's worth. Most nights, I eat out or with my younger sister on occasion," I answer.

"That's a shame, your food is really good. I was expecting it to be something simpler, the way you talked."

"I had a lot of free time as a kid, so I spent a lot of time helping out in the kitchen. I had to stop once my studying got serious in middle school, but I can still make a few good meals."

The silence returns yet again as Kimura wanders the apartment with her eyes. They stop somewhere behind me, and I realize I've been watching her.

"Who are they?" she asks, referring to the picture hanging on the wall.

"Some friends from high school," I answer.

"You all look really close. Do you see them much anymore?"

"Not really. Aside from running into Mabo at that convention, the last time I saw any of them was at a wedding last May. Before that, it was just after their coming of age ceremony."

"They all look like they're having fun."

"They probably were. They're all too troublesome, though."

"That's what makes having friends nice, though. They'll always be there for your trouble if you do the same for them."

We quietly finish the meal, and Kimura leaves after calling her roommate for an 'all clear'. I wash our dishes in silence, and wonder Kimura considers me troublesome, like I do the rest. I also wonder if any of them would be there for me now, after being in isolation for so long. Strangely enough, I have a feeling I'll soon know the answer to both those questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading once again, this chapter is definitely my favorite so far. We get another look into the effects of Yamaken's self-imposed isolation. He's quite the lonesome person, isn't he? Then again, he always was, in a way.


	5. Chapter 5

After that first meal together, I've made a habit of having Kimura over for dinner every couple weeks or so. It's never planned ahead of time, always spurred on by another chance meeting on the street. She always agrees, even if she had some other plans for the night, I was later told. If I were asked, I don't think I say why I've developed this habit, or why I even look forward to the few meals we share. I suppose it's because I've grown bored of isolation. Now, even the silence that surrounds us seems better than the one that fills my apartment usually. It's a silence of two, rather than a silence of one.

This time is different, though. I haven't run into her recently, but my empty apartment is driving me mad. For the first time since we exchanged them, I use Kimura's email.

_"Hey, are you doing anything tonight?" -Kenji_

A few minutes pass before her response comes.

_"Not really. Did you have something in mind?_ _（ ・∀・_ _) " -Ayane_

_"Nothing special, I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight." - Kenji_

Her response this time is immediate, arriving less than a minute later.

_"Of course! I'm not going to pass up a chance to eat Kenji's cooking._ _ヾ_ _(_ _｡_ _﹏_ _｡_ _)_ _ﾉﾞ✧_ _*_ _。_ _" - Ayane_

I'm still not sure when or why I decided to do this, but now that Kimura has agreed, I can't back out now. I realize that I'm starting to run low on food, and decide to ask one more question.

_"Do you want to meet me at the supermarket near my place? I can make you whatever you want, but I need to buy ingredients." - Kenji_

_"Sure thing! I'll be out there in about half an hour! (*´ω_ _*)" -Ayane_

I slip on my shoes and start towards the supermarket, making a call to my father as i do so. He picks up after a few quick rings.

"Kenji? Do you need something?" he asks, quick to the point as always.

"Yeah. Could you make an extra deposit in my account?" I throw out as quickly as possible.

"Yes, that's no problem. Can I ask why you need it, though?"

"I'm making dinner for a friend, I just need to buy some extra food."

"Ah, this wouldn't be for a girl would it?" he pries, suddenly uninterested in whatever he was doing before I called.

"It is, but it's not like that. I'm just tired of being alone in that apartment."

"Why not invite that Yoshida boy over, then? Yuuzan-kun says you two are friends. Or you could always let Iyo stay with you for a bit."

"Things are fine the way they are now. Kimura has been company enough for me. I just need a little extra money every now and then."

"Alright then, I'll make the transfer in a few minutes. Just make sure you treat her right, son."

He hangs up before I can voice my objection, but I can't be too angry. I'm lucky that he at least cares enough to do this kind of thing. A lot luckier than Yoshida, anyways.

A quick stop at the ATM leaves me with enough money to buy Kimura a decent meal for once, and I'm at the supermarket shortly after. Kimura arrives just after I do, and we gather the ingredients to make sukiyaki, Kimura's chosen meal.

When we go to pay for the food, Kimura interrupts me before I can take care of it.

"You don't have to pay for it all, Kenji. I'll pitch in some," she offers, reaching into her bag for some money.

"It's fine, I've got plenty of money, Kimura-chan."

I quickly pay before she can insist on helping again. After we leave, she speaks up again.

"You really didn't have to pay for it all by yourself, Kenji," she says.

"It's fine, Kimura-chan. All of my money comes from my father, and I'm sure he'd rather have me spending it on food for a girl than other things. I don't know what kind of budget you live on, but I'm sure mine has a lot more room for things like this."

Kimura falls silent again, until we arrive back at my apartment. She insists on helping cook the food, since I wouldn't let her pay for it. I'll have to give at some point, and I'd rather it be on this than anything else, so I accept her offer this time. We quickly come into a kind of rhythm, working seamlessly around each other, and the mishaps are minimal. When we sit down to eat, our strange, comforting silence envelopes us again. Kimura spends the duration of the meal studying me while she eats, as usual, and I pretend not to notice, like I always do. Strangely enough, the food tastes much better to me than usual. Maybe it's because it has some of Kimura's touch to it, making it different from my own food is. Like everything else, it's better because of Kimura's presence.

Eventually, Kimura runs out of excuses to stay, and takes her leave. She thanks me for the food with a bright smile on her face, and is gone in a moment. It isn't until much later that I find the two thousand yen bills left on my counter, placed there without my notice sometime before she left. Picking up the bills, I make sure to hide them someplace safe, determined to give them back to her the next time I see her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting deeper, little by little. I've only got four chapters left for this story, but things will all come to head very soon. I really hope you guys enjoy what's happened so far, and what I have planned! This story came out of nowhere, but it means a lot to me now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that it's been almost a year and I forgot to finish cross posting this here. Whoops.

The chilly air bites into my skin, eliciting a shiver. The uncharacteristically cold temperature has caught me off guard, and despite wearing a light jacket, I’m far too cold for my liking. Even in October, it shouldn’t be quite this cold yet. Even so, I’ll have to endure the chill for the short walk home from class. Now that my internship has ended, I’m back to attending regular classes like usual, effectively breaking up the rhythm I had become accustomed to.  
I’m startled by a slap on the back, given from some unseen assailant. Irritated, I turn to find Mabo and Joji wearing the idiotic smirks I’ve known them for. Tomio immediately shouts some unintelligible greeting at me.  
“Yo, Yamaken, where’s that girl at?” Mabo demands.  
“What girl?” is my bored, questioning reply.  
“The cute one from that con! I’ve seen you walking around here with here lately. You getting in good with her or something?”  
“Eh, Yamaken finally made time for a girl? I thought we were the only things you would waste time on,” Tomio jokes.  
“There’s nothing like that going on, idiots. She comes over to my apartment every so often, that’s all,” I correct them.  
“You seemed a little cozy with each other to be just friends, dude. Especially if she’s coming over to your place pretty often when you won’t even invite us or Iyo over,” Mabo continues to press the issue.  
“Cozy? What does that even mean? We’re just friends, and even barely that. I see her once every couple weeks, how could there be anything going on?”  
“I’m just saying, bro, you seemed like you were really into her at that con. I think I even saw you smiling at her out on the street here one day. You haven’t smiled at anyone since the studybug turned you down.”  
The idea is so completely ridiculous, I find it irritating. Besides, even if I did like Kimura, I don’t have time for anything besides my school and the occasional meal with her. How exactly someone can say that there’s something going on between us is beyond me.  
“Look, I don’t have time for this today. I have a paper to get started on, and I don’t have time to waste arguing with you idiots.”  
I turn and continue walking home, only to be stopped by a calm voice calling out to me.  
“Yamaken.”  
I turn to find Joji staring at me, having crept up without my noticing. The other two have wandered off already, having forgotten the topic it seems.  
“I was with Mabo they last time he saw you two together. You really did seem to be smiling that day. We were worried, when the studybug rejected you. You never seemed quite right afterwards. Now, you’re back to the way you were then. At least, that what it looks like.”  
Unlike Mabo, Joji’s words aren’t irritating, despite their inaccuracy being the same.  
“Nothing has changed since we met Shizuku. Not me, not you three, not even her or Haru. It’s all the same as it was back then. You guys really do have the wrong idea.”  
I turn and leave Joji behind like the others, and hear no objection this time. However, his words still play in my mind. “Before”? What “before” was that? The one when I still thought Shizuku was important to me? Despite my claim, I realize that I don’t feel the same way around Kimura the way I did with Shizuku. Something is different. But what it is, I can’t tell.  
Shizuku wasn’t the same as Kimura is. She was almost like a prize, something to measure my worth with. I didn’t even feel anything for her at first. She was just something to irritate Haru with. And the harder I tried to win her, the more I ended up like Haru. I could no longer measure any kind of worth with her. I was too lost to do anything but fight harder.  
Kimura, though, is something else entirely. She’s someone completely separate from everything else. I may have met her thanks to my internship, but she’s off in her own little corner of my life. She brings a calm that makes me forget the chaos I’m normally forced into. It’s like she’s a haven from the rest of the people who call me their friend.  
I don’t care about what they all think they see, I won’t ruin that haven by doing something stupid and falling for her. I don’t have time to deal with the things that might happen if I did. She means too much to go through such unnecessary trouble.


	7. Chapter 7

The feeling of unease caused by my encounter with Mabo, Joji, and Tomio follows me in the following weeks. It’s a feeling like everything is about to end, like the things I now know are about to be ripped from under me and replaced with yet another period of awkward hesitance and uncertainty. I don’t like this feeling. Hopefully, I’ll be rid of it after tonight, with the help of Kimura’s presence.  
After my change in routine, we’ve both had to adjust and adapt to make our treasured meetings possible once again. We’ve sent countless emails, but haven’t actually met in over a month. Perhaps that’s the cause of this unpleasant feeling. Regardless, I won’t have to worry about that anymore, as I’ve finally found our opportunity.  
Carrying a small loads of groceries back from the market, I’m prepared to make enough sukiyaki and udon for Kimura to take a good sized portion home, some for her roommate, and some for her. After a few short months, I’ve gotten used to cooking more often, and I’ve even improved a little since she started coming. Kimura seems to be pretty fond of my cooking, although I don’t see it as anything particularly special.  
After getting inside and slipping my shoes off, I turn to find Iyo sitting in the main room, doing some thing or another on her phone.  
“What are you doing here, sister?” I ask calmly, refusing to let my temper get the best of me today. I start to put the cold food away as I await her reply.  
“Dad wanted me to come see you. And why can’t I come do so? Do you hate your dear sister?” she asks with faux innocence.  
“When she breaks into my apartment while I’m out, I do.”  
“That’s mean, brother. Besides, how am I supposed to see you, when you won’t let me come over?”  
“I don’t invite you over because I’m not usually here. The only things I do here are study, sleep, and eat. I don’t even do the third much, either.”  
“That seems like a lot of food for one night, brother. If you don’t eat here often, what’s it all for?”  
Iyo’s questions are beginning to test my resolve, as my temper starts to quickly burn away.  
“I’m having a friend over, I’m making her dinner.”  
“Ooh, a girl in brother’s apartment? You know, Dad did mention something about you meeting a girl, although he didn’t know much about it.”  
I’m starting to lose control of myself. If I snap, even Kimura wouldn’t be able to remedy the foul mood that will follow. I need to get Iyo out of here, now.  
“Iyo, just go home. I’ll come see you some other time.”  
“I want to meet this girl though. What’s she like? Is she as cute as I-“  
“Iyo, leave. Now.”  
My sister stares at me for a moment in hurt disbelief. Despite all the jabs and cold remarks over the years, this is the first time I’ve been this way with her. Her face hardens, and she puffs out her cheeks just a bit, like she always does when she doesn’t get her way.  
“No. I’ve decided I’m staying for dinner, and you can’t do anything about it.”  
“I can call the police.”  
“And have the news that Dr. Yamaguchi’s son had his own sister taken away by the police run rampant? I think not, brother.”  
She has me there. A move like that would do nothing but hurt our family name, which has already come under scrutiny because of our ties to the Yoshida family. Doing anything else to tarnish our reputation is just something I can’t do.  
“Fine. But you’re ruining the plans I had, you know that?”  
“I do, and I don’t care. I want to eat a meal with my brother.”  
Brushing her last comment off, I begin preparations to cook the meal, hoping to lose myself in the task. The anger and worry still eat at the back of my mind nonetheless, but it was worth a shot. Kimura arrives just before the food is ready, and is surprised to see Iyo already sitting at the table.  
“Ah, yes. Kimura-chan, this is my sister, Iyo. Iyo, this is Kimura Ayane,” I scramble to introduce the two, before Iyo can start her interrogation.  
“It’s nice to meet you, Iyo-san,” Kimura greets her.  
“There’s no need for that, Ayane-chan. You can just call me Iyo,” my sister exclaims, already becoming for more familiar with Kimura than makes me comfortable.  
I manage to get the food on the table quick enough to prevent too much chatter between the two, and pray that Iyo will just eat without trying to talk anymore. The silence I’m rewarded with is relieving, but I can’t let my guard down. I begin alternating between watching Iyo as I eat, and watching Kimura. They seem to be doing the same, Iyo undoubtedly looking for some kind of unspoken message between Kimura and I, while Kimura seems to be looking for similarities between the two of us. Once the three of us have finished eating, I scoop up the dishes and take them off to the kitchen. As I leave the room, I hear Iyo ask that damned question I was praying to avoid.  
“So are you and brother dating, Ayane-chan?”  
“It’s not like that,” I try to call nonchalantly as I walk away.  
“Yes, there’s nothing like that going on. I’m not sure what gave you that idea, but we’re just friends,” Kimura further clarifies. Iyo gives a small pout and gives up, moving on the other unheard topics of chatter.  
Somehow, Kimura’s answer doesn’t make me feel any better. She seemed to be objected to the idea a bit too much. But which of us is the one she’s denying? Is she denying that she has any feelings for me? Or is she denying that I could possibly have feelings for her? Or is it perhaps the both of us, with us being “just friends” a testament to both of us being devoid of feeling for one another?  
The list of possibilities keeps growing in my head, and each new one worsen my mood even more. By the time I finish handling the dishes, Iyo is sprawled out on my floor, attempting to take a nap. Kimura gives thanks for the meal and leaves, and once I get Iyo up, she does too. And I’m all alone in my apartment once again, feeling uncertain without any indication of the truth.


	8. \

The paper in my hands is a thing dreaded by many students my age. It is a loathsome thing that many despise opening, for fear of being crushed by the information within. I, on the other hand, was confident in my ability. It is for that very reason that I have been blindsided by the poor review I have received on the most important essay I have written thus far in my time as a student. My first thought is that this has to be some kind of mistake, as if my paper had gotten mixed up with someone else's somewhere along the line. But, the real answer hits me soon after. The very thing I warned myself against months ago has come to pass.

I let myself be distracted, plain and simple. I wasted far too much time indulging myself by having meals with Kimura. It's not her fault of course, but at the same time, I can't let things like that happen again. I'll have to work three times as hard in the coming weeks to recover from this catastrophe of a lapse in judgement, which means I no longer have any time to spend doing anything besides studying. How can I expect to succeed my father if I can't even put focus into my life?

As the weeks following pass me by, I receive a few emails from Kimura, a single call after I fail to respond to them. After that, silence. I throw every second of time I have into school. But it doesn't seem right. I find the amount of work I manage to get done seems less than it used to be. The hours that used to fly by without me even noticing now drag on at an agonizing pace, further reducing my productivity.

Finally, I get fed up. I close my books in irritated rage, and storm out of my own apartment. A walk, that's all it is. The cold air will wake my mind up, and get my blood pulsing. I take a few turns; a right here, a left there. Or was that a right, and the first a left? Maybe I didn't turn at first, or maybe I skipped a street in between? Did this street lead back to that convenience store, or the park? I check my pockets and find that I've left my phone at home, sitting next to my books.

I take a seat on a bench nearby, and try to clear my head a bit. I retrace my steps as best I can, but I still end up lost somewhere along the way. I give up, and decide to just rest here for a while. Maybe I'll figure it out in a little while. I hear a voice call out, an unmistakable one.

"Oi, bastard, what are you doing around here?" Yoshida shouts at me, walking over to stand beside the bench.

"I was taking a walk, and lost track of where I was going," I reply.

"Eh? Did I hear that right? You admitted to being lost just now, didn't you?"

"So what if I did, you idiot?"

"What happened to that pride of yours? You wouldn't even admit something like that to Shizuku, normally."

I'm silent for a moment as I let the implications of his words sink in. He's right, as much as it irks me.

"My head's been a mess lately, I haven't been acting like myself," I let myself admit.

"Ah, sounds like you found someone then."

"Found someone? What the hell does that mean?"

Yoshida looks up into the sky, eyes darting between the stars, surely tracing the countless constellations Yoshida has probably memorized.

"The only person that could ever make me act in ways I didn't want to was Shizuku. Sometimes it was in a good way, but a lot of the time it was irritating. It made my head hurt and confused me. I kind of figured she did the same thing to you if you liked her too, right?"

I suppose he has a point. This feeling is somewhat like when I was still trying to compete for Mizutani's affection way back then.

"Maybe that is it. Maybe I needed to lose the pride anyhow. If that was what was stopping me from admitting it, then I suppose I'm glad to be rid of it now."

"There you go. If you've got it figured out now, there's nothing left for me to do here. Just do us a favor, bring whoever it is to the new years' party next week, alright?"

"Next week? What day is it?"

"You don't even know what day it is? You were really out of it then, weren't you? It's Christmas Eve, idiot. Just make sure you bring your important person, alright you bastard?"

Yoshida runs off without another word, turning into a house a ways down the street. As idiotic as Haru is, I owe him for this. And for some reason, I don't hate that fact right now.


	9. Chapter 9

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm filled with a sense of urgency. Making one turn after another, I run as fast as I can back towards my apartment. The surrounding area is suddenly fresh in my mind, and I have no problem deciding which way turn, which streets to take. Less than five minutes after my conversation with Haru, I can see the sign of my apartment building. I take the stairs to my floor three at a time, almost tripping over the top step. I hurriedly yank the door open, and scramble inside.

Phone, phone; where did I leave my phone again? I spot it sitting under the cover of one of my textbooks, which I shove off the table as I fumble to pick it up. Searching through my contacts, I scan for Ayane's name. Finding it, I scroll down to the empty space for a phone number and regret not asking her for it. An email will have to do, although I would have preferred a phone call.

"Hey, can I meet you somewhere tonight?" –Kenji

"Sure, I can go out right now, actually. You have any place in mind?" –Ayane

My plan falters; I've completely neglected to find someplace to meet. Running through a mental list of places I actually know, I find a halfway decent idea.

"How close are you to that community center? You know, the one where that convention was held." –Kenji

"Not too far, I can ride the train up there and be there in about 15 minutes." –Ayane

"Let's do that, then. I'll meet you there." –Kenji

Stuffing my phone in my pocket, I grab my coat, wallet, and keys, and head out again. Running towards the station, I pass by a flower shop, and stop for a moment. Should I buy her some? Maybe just one, her favorite color or something. I run inside the shop, and try to remember if she had told me what her favorite color was. I vaguely remember her saying she liked purple? I pick out a nice looking purple flower, and pay for it before dashing out of the shop and towards the station again. As the train hurtles towards the center, I guard the flower as if it is my only means of survival.

When I finally get off, with the flower thankfully unharmed, I find the square in front of the center covered with all kinds of decorations, and a large tree in the middle. I wade through the crowd, looking for Ayane, until someone taps me on the shoulder. When I turn around, I find her standing there, a smile on her face.

"Did you buy that for me?" she teases, pointing to the flower.

"Uh, yeah. I just thought that since it's Christmas Eve and all…" I struggle to reply. Shit, this is harder than I thought it would be. Ayane takes the flower, and smiles brightly.

"So, what did you want to meet up for?"

"Oh, right; I… I just need to talk to you."

Ayane cocks her head to the side, and gives me a look that borders somewhere on curiosity and concern.

"It's fine, it's nothing serious," I lie.

"Alright then," Ayane replies, clearly not fooled.

We take a walk around the square, admiring the sights. I try to gather up whatever courage I have, but I can't find the right time to say what I need to.

"Is everything alright with you?" I ask, trying to show some concern for once.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Why do you ask?" Ayane asks in return.

"I don't really know. I was worried, for some reason."

"Are you alright, Kenji? You seem different."

"I talked to a friend from high school earlier tonight. He helped me see something important, that's all."

"Is that right? Well, I hope you haven't missed anything else, Mr. Vague Answer."

Ayane laughs at her own teasing, and I can't help but let myself smile at it as well.

Silence exists for a brief moment, filled in by the chatter of the crowd around us.

"It's always nice, being around you," I finally say. "It's like you bring a calmness with you, wherever you go. It feels like the place I belong."

"Well, you're certainly the first person to ever say that," she says.

"I figured I would be. I've always been surrounded by chaos, it's like it's drawn to me. Or maybe I'm drawn to it, I don't really know. I called those people my friends in high school, but I knew less about them than I thought. I never felt like there was a place for me there, even though they always said there was."

"Maybe you were just missing the thing you found tonight. You probably just needed something else to help you fit."

"One of them invited me to their New Year's party next week. They've had it every year since high school, and I always end up going. Please, Ayane, give me a reason not to this year. I want to be where I belong this year."

Ayane stops, and grabs a hold of my sleeve. I stop and turn to face her.

"How about I just come with you? If I'm the place where you belong, then I can make you a place with them as well, can't I?"

"Ayane, I don't really know…"

"At least give them a shot, Kenji. They're your friends, aren't they?"

…

I knock on the door, and my hand quickly returns to my side, joining with Ayane's. The door opens, and Haru appears, yelling back into a different part of the house about something or other, before turning to greet us.

"Oi, Yamaken! Is this the important person you told me about?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this seems like it's kind of an ending to this, that's because it was originally supposed to be. I spaced out while writing the chapter though, and forgot to put in the scene I had planned that was going to be one of my favorites.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for clarification, this chapter takes place right after the majority of the last one, but before the last little tidbit.

The air bites at our skin as we continue to walk. We have no destination, only the bustling noise of the crowds and the bright glow of festive lights. And as we drift further and further from the center of square, I can't help but enjoy our silence and her presence, even through my own uncertainty.

Despite what just happened, I keep wondering if perhaps the meaning of my words hadn't made it to Ayane as I had intended them. Did what I say really count as a confession? Did she take it as one? Did she even accept my strange, roundabout confession? The last words between us were my agreeing to attend the party and bring her along.

What will I do if she rejects me after all, I wonder? Am I capable of staying friends with her without my feelings getting in the way? I surely can't stay away from her anymore; not after the mess I became without her the last month. In the end, I realize that my whole being now hinges upon this girl's answer. In a way, it always has; but now, my undoing is much closer and more likely than it has been since that first day at the hospital. It's not like it was with Mizutani, I was right about that much. This is much more important than she ever was.

"I lied, you know," Ayane says, finally breaking our silence. "Earlier, when you asked if I was okay. I told you I was, but that's probably the furthest thing from the truth."

"Ayane…" I start, trailing off into nothingness.

"Even that night, I could tell you had gotten upset. It looked like you were fighting some kind of war inside your own head. I felt awful for saying something so cruel as to cause that."

"You didn't cause that, Ayane. You just made me think, and I let my thoughts spiral out of control."

"I wanted to make it better, after that. So when you stopped talking to me, I thought that I had ruined everything for good. It got so bad, my friends started trying to set me up on dates. I was supposed to go on one tonight, but I got your email just in time to cancel."

Our silence resumes, and her words eat at me until I can no longer take it.

"Ayane, I'm sorr-"

"I just noticed something, Kenji," Ayane interrupts. "You've been calling me 'Ayane' all night. When did you start doing that?"

"About the same time I first admitted to someone that I love you," I say following the slightest bit of hesitation. I glance over to see that Ayane has turned beet red, mouth gaping open.

"That's not fair, Kenji!" she scolds. "You can't just say it like that without warning."

She pulls on my arm in an attempt to punish me for it, only succeeding in causing me a minor inconvenience.

"You could have at least said it in a way where I can say it back," she sulks.

"You pretty much did when you admitted to bailing on a date to come be with me," I retort.

"Yeah, but I didn't actually say it. Now I have to force the situation to tell you that I love you."

"Well, I'd say that line worked pretty well for something you tried to force."

As Ayane continues to complain and scold me for undermining her attempts to confess, I stop walking and realize something. I have no idea where we're at.


End file.
